Whenever
I feel guilty of my mistakes, I always remind myself about the story in the
Bible, John 8:1-11, but I realized I still can’t forgive myself. Most of the
time, I still feel guilt deep inside.
John
8:1-11 tells about a woman caught in the act of adultery and according to the
law of Moses, she must be stoned to death. But Jesus knew they were trying to
trap him with what He would be saying so Jesus said, “All right, but let the
one who has never sinned throw the first stone.”
Growing
up, I thought I was always wrong since I would always tell myself, “I feel
guilty so for sure I am doing something wrong, “ until I constantly developed guilt. I believed that’s right since people should always feel guilty for us
not to do wrong. Now I think I had very poor self-concept.
Today
I woke up feeling so tired, down and burdened. It’s a new day God gave me but I
was feeling negative so I tried to contemplate on this matter. I tried to ask
myself what’s keeping me feel like that.
I knew the answers but I just wondered why there’s heaviness in my heart and mind. I really wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to release the negative feeling. I couldn't.
I
ended up watching the airstrikes vowed by the king of Jordan against
ISIS(Islamic State of Iraq and Syria). I felt the love of King Abdullah to Lt.
Moath al-Kasasbeh when he emphasized that the shedding of the blood of the pilot
will never be wasted and that Jordan will fight until her last drop of oil.
That’s how I understood what I read. When I watched the brutal burning while
the pilot was still alive, I had goose bumps thinking what kind of people could
they be that they've lost their hearts.
When
I think about the killing of the 44 soldiers by the terrorists here in the Philippines
I ask myself what kind of world are we living in? If this world is chaotic and my
heart also can’t find rest, how can I survive always feeling bad about myself? How will I feel good?
I tried to pause and think about my life.
I thought about the bad I’ve done. When I started to feel the tears running down from my eyes, I stopped myself by thinking of the good things I’ve done. “You’re not that bad,” I told myself, “FORGIVE YOURSELF.”
I’ve realized I always feel guilty because I don’t forgive myself when all along God has already forgiven me when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. God knew the nature of people. That we are all sinful. So He gave His only begotten son for us to be renewed. II Corinthians 5:17 reminds, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed, behold, the new has come.” I want to emphasize the word BEHOLD. I realized I always feel guilty because I don’t behold, I don’t claim God’s forgiveness.
If I would always feel guilty thinking of the bad I did in the past, how can I embrace the good things God wants me to experience in the days ahead? I am a teacher so what good things can I teach if I feel and think bad about myself?
For once, I asked God’s forgiveness. I prayed.
I wrote the good things I do, I did, I’ve done for me to appreciate my existence. I will share them not to boast myself but to make myself stop thinking I am worthless. I want to appease myself by thinking even if I work extra hard for my life, it’s God’s grace that’s giving me good life.
Here are the points I wrote:
1. I worked really hard to finish College. I had many sleepless nights just to make both ends meet when I was struggling financially. And it took me ten years to finish College.
2. Some of my students(foreign and local) trusted me their secrets, they take me as their good friend. Two of them are my best friends.
3. Some of my students are the hardest to teach but they stay with me as friends/best friends.
4. I work hard as a teacher.
5. I share the good news.
I think God is just using my life so I want to let Him use my life for His glory. I may not be perfect but I remember before graduating from College, I even went to Korea just to find God’s purpose in my life--if He really wants me to be a teacher. I prayed hard just to find the answer. After two months of staying in there, God brought me back to the Philippines. Now I am the head teacher of our school. Sometimes, I feel I don’t deserve it but I know God has a purpose.
James 3:1 states, “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."
God
has special plan for all who believe Jesus Christ. God doesn't want us to be
burdened doing His will on us. He wants us to be happy and we have to claim it.
He wants good life for us -->that’s His promise. God promised it so we must
believe and claim all His wonderful promises.
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. --I John 1:9
And we know that in all things God works for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
--Romans 8:28
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-- I Peter 5:7
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. --Isaiah 41:10
John 11:25-26: Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?
TO GOD BE THE GLORY
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